The Mental Load Nobody Talks About

It’s not the dishes that break you. It’s knowing you’re the only one who notices they’re dirty.

They call it the “mental load”, the invisible, never-ending list of things women carry in their heads every day. But let’s be honest, “mental load” sounds way too polite for what it really is. It’s mental gymnastics. It’s strategic warfare disguised as “What are we having for dinner?”

I can feel it the second I wake up, that quiet hum of everything that needs to happen for the day to run smoothly. Lunches. Permission slips. A birthday gift for the class party. Groceries. Laundry. “Oh right, the dog’s out of food.” And somewhere in there, I’m supposed to drink water, work full time, and be grateful.

I used to think I was just bad at managing it all. Like if I could just find the right planner, right morning routine, or right mindset, I’d finally feel on top of it. But the truth is, I wasn’t the problem, the system was.

Because here’s the thing about the mental load: it doesn’t go away when you delegate. You can ask your partner to handle dinner, but somehow you still have to plan it, buy it, remind them it’s happening, and then hear “What should I make?” five minutes before. You can call that help if you want. I call it outsourcing with supervision.

The hardest part isn’t even the exhaustion, it’s the invisibility. No one gives you a gold star for remembering to replace the toothpaste before it runs out or for knowing which kid likes the purple cup, not the green one. But if you forget? Chaos. It’s a thankless job with instant feedback when you mess up.

And yet, most of us just keep doing it, because we love our people and because it’s what we’ve been taught to do. We run the household like CEOs who never clock out, then beat ourselves up for feeling overwhelmed.

But here’s what I’ve been learning: you don’t have to hold it all. You can drop a ball and still be a good mom, partner, friend, and human. You can ask for help before you’re drowning. You can stop pretending you’re fine when you’re not.

Because when we finally say it out loud, that the mental load is real, heavy, and exhausting, we make space for something better: partnership, understanding, and maybe even rest.

So here’s to the women carrying it all. To the ones with ten tabs open in their brains and a smile that says, “I’m fine.” You’re not failing. You’re just managing more than anyone should have to. And if no one’s told you this today, you’re doing an incredible job.

— Unfiltered Emily Hayes